Ah. It´s ten till midnight and my teammates are all asleep in their comfy hotel beds here in Gauyaquil, and what am I doing?

Blogging of course.

I thought about sleeping, but my heart and mind are so full, that I feel I must sit and write and write until some of it is out of my brain. I am so afraid it will leak out and be lost forever. Of course that will happen, because there aren´t enough journals, or pictures or videos or blogs that can encompass everything that happened on this trip. So it´s best that I do what the disciples did back in the day and write down what God wants me to. It´s His story anyway.

We fly out of Gauyaquil tomorrow at 10am. Soy muy triste (very sad). I love it here. I think I could handle several more weeks of this before I would be ready to return to America. Being in Latin America has always felt like home to me and this trip has been no different. I am a Watina (Wanna-Be Latina) through and through. I love the culture, the way of life, the musical language, how relationships are central here, how important family is, how passionate and exuberant they live life. I will miss greeting people with besos (kisses on the cheek) and I was never uncomfortable with the action to begin with. I will miss the warmth and openheartedness of the people. Church is totally different here -for obvious reasons. People aren´t as closed or private - they don´t hold back in worship and they know they need God - most of them love Jesus so much, because He freed them from the bondage of the warped Catholic/Mystic views that permeate the culture here. Their version of catholicism is so idolatrous and far from anything we know in America. So they embrace Christianity once they come to know Christ.

We worked so hard to equip the church here - we are leaving behind sweat, tears and maybe a little bit of blood. The existing work here is so strong, but understaffed and under-equipped, and I truly believe God crafted the team we brought to bolster and reinforce the church here in a significant way. We did just that - I don´t say that being prideful or arrogant. I watched my teammates work in the sun day after day and come to church and teach and serve night after night. There wasn´t a lot of downtime and that was because we wanted to do all we could while we were here.

But we leave here with just as much as we gave. That is just like God. I see changed people. People I admired even before this trip are returning completely different, full of something God placed in them, a new vision or a dream that´s been brougth to life. I see new life, new courage, new dreams, and I am awed by what God did. God used us to minister to each other, He used people, the Ecuadorians, who don´t even speak our langauge, to bless and impact us in the most powerful ways, and then God himself, through His using us to minister, spoke to us through our own service. I am overwhelmed just thinking about it.

Lastly, I sit here unsure of what God is doing in me. So many things that I have felt for years or months were simply confirmed here and yet I am not seeing how it´s going to play out once I return to America. Not that I need to see - I only need follow and obey when God speaks, but I am lying if I won´t admit I am curious and only a bit trepidatious about how to walk out what is in my heart.

I don´t fit. I don´t fit in America, I don´t fit at my job, I don´t fit at my church. I don´t mean that in a negative manner. I feel at home in Latin America for a reason. I have my job for a reason and I´m grateful for it. I am at my church for many reasons and I am certain God has placed me there. But it always comes back to feeling like a square peg trying to fit a round hole. I am this square peg that God has made me and I want to find where I fit in the puzzle...I feel like I´m hanging in midair as other pieces are shifted and placed before I can finally settle into my spot. Being in midair, even in in the hands of God, can be scary and uncomfortable, but His are the safest hands and if I will not trust Him before I placed in the puzzle, then I won´t be able to trust Him once He sets me down. This uneasiness I feel is ok in some respects and in others, it needs to end.

I have so loved leading worship and teaching worship here - words can´t express it. It is my passion and something I was born to do. Yet I don´t see that playing out in the way I would hope or expect where I´m at in America....or even at the level of anointing that gifting flowed out of me here. It shocked me. I knew God put that in me, but when it happens, I am still awestruck that He uses me. He used me here and there were times that I didn´t see it and I had to be told. I know I will miss the freedom and ability to lead worship like I did here once I am back in Texas, and I want to combat that disappointment. God can use me in whatever way He chooses - whether that be something ¨big¨or ¨small¨.

Lastly ( I am going to have to type this through tears), I really anticipated this trip would be that final step in restoring me to wholeness. I believed it would transform my heart and remove the pain and brokenness from this past year of hurts. It didn´t. I really wanted it to. I made it yet another event in my life, a goal that once it was reached, all would be well. And that is not the way God works. When I demand that I end up just like the catholics here who use Hail Mary´s and candle lighting as their Golden Ticket to answered prayer. God isn´t a genie in a bottle. And my heart will only be whole once it is wholly His. That doesn´t occur because I took a 2 week mission trip. I am still broken and that is still ok, because He is getting my heart, piece by piece as I finally relinquish it to Him. He is relentless and He hasn´t given up on me because of my fickleness or foolishness. His love as all-consuming even when I am crying over a stupid boy. He is there for the hundredth time and He doesn´t give up on me even when I want to give up on myself.

I know this was long and to be honest, I wrote it more for myself than anything. I will need to read this as a reminder - because the beautiful things that happen tend to leak out and be replaced with the ugly if we let it. I won´t let it.

The travel day was a success. We didn´t have any major snags besides having to repack the bibles into different boxes before checking them on the flight. I overpacked as usual and had to remove all my books from my bag to get it down 2 lbs. Sad. Try as I might, packing light is hard for me. I always think ¨What if?¨and pack accordingly. So I haven´t regretted bringing anything, but I wish I have brought more sweaters and a heavy jacket. It is VERY chilly here at night.

Ok typing on a spanish keyboard is only slightly less difficult than speaking in spanish. Which has gone well - my spanish is much better than I expected and that has been a relief. Our team is INCREDIBLE: All hard workers full of good attitudes. We seem to only get bad attitudes when we have nothing to do - everyone is so dedicated and selfless. The first 2 days here have been work days and we have gotten many of the church projects completed in record time.

We have laughed a lot. We are the weird, loud Americans and we seem to have fun everywhere we go. I also think we have taken around 500 photos as a team so far. Holy moley.

Last night was the first of 4 nights of worship workshops that I am leading. It was a bit chaotic, but I was able to share my heart with them and they were very recpetive. We had ministry time at the end my team was ready on the spot to pray for people. Tonight we have another worship seminar and the rest of my worship team is sick with stomach virus. So pray for Manny and Paul that they would recover quickly.

Ok computer time is up. I love you all - thanks for your prayers and support.

So far our team meetings have been less than fruitful, which tends to be the case when you attempt to get 14 adults together twice a month. Single people trend toward flakiness, and in Dallas where busy is THE lifestyle, folks just don't show up to meetings sometimes. So we haven't had too many opportunities to bond as a team.

Last night was a nice exception. We had a karaoke/poker night fund raiser. One of the children's pastors who is going on our trip is Malaysian and in cliched fashion, she LOVES karaoke and in non-cliched fashion, she and her husband are GREAT at it. They have an in-house setup - 85 CD's of karaoke goodness. I was in heaven, because I absolutely adore karaoke. I know it's cheesy, but it's fun.

They also had a friend of theirs bring his professional Texas Hold 'Em poker table and he did us proud- we had a room setup and it looked like some intense gambling was going on, minus the money and cigar smoke. I played 3 hands and went all in on that last hand of the evening and won. woohooo!

One of the things I'm really looking forward to is the light heartedness of our team. We have a bunch of comedians on our team. Most of us are extroverts, with the exception of maybe 2 people, and more than half of the team has this wacky sense of humor that translates into doing/saying anything to get a laugh. That was very evident last night. I foresee late nights in Ecuador of us all hanging out together, enjoying the silliness. This dynamic will also serve us well, because people who like to laugh tend to be more flexible and go with the flow, which is a MUST for any mission trip. When you are on the mission field, especially in Latin America, plans change, things go slower, people are on Latin Time and about an hour late to anything. Americans tend to get their panties twisted because they LIVE and die by the clock. They can't just chill out and let things happen as they will. Also, laid-back people will be more willing to eat weird food and do odd things asked of them. I also feel that even though we have funny people on the team, they are a responsible group, willing to step up to the plate and serve. I like that. I also like that I will not feel pressure to be the team "joker" - in fact, I probably won't even make an effort because the guys will keep us in stitches.